Cuz it was boring, Fanfiction, Hetalia
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___
‘O kurwa[1].’
Poland huffed, rolled his eyes, popped a gum and put his hand on his hip.
‘Like, what?’
‘You’re not a chick?!’
‘Shit, some friggin’ faggot!’
The man that stated the last sentence was the biggest from the entire band, wore tracksuit and his face looked like it wasn’t contaminated with any form of activity even close to thinking.
So really, he looked just like the rest of them. The one and only difference was his size.
‘First was niunia[2], now I’m faggot?’ Poland pouted. ‘I like, so liked the first version better.’
‘Are you fucking with us?!’ Mr. Big apparently couldn’t leave alone the fact that he had been hitting on a guy.
Poland smoothed out his miniskirt, adjusted his handbag and looked at them impassively.
‘Guys, this one seriously needs someone to beat the shit out of him!’
The empty bottle could be a very dangerous weapon. Poland sighed when the bottles appeared suddenly in every hand.
‘You like, want to beat your own country? I mean like, seriously? Because it means you have to like, totally beat yourself in the process. And this is like, totally uncool and stuff. Could be painful too, y’know.’
The drunk faces around him scrunched in the hard process of thinking.
Finally someone cried out in realization:
‘He’s totally stoned!’
They quickly agreed that they should beat him anyway. Meanwhile, Poland get his pepper spray ready in his bag.
*
‘So again, what happened?’
Poland sighed, run his fingers through his hair and looked at the ceiling.
‘I’ve like, just told you. They were hitting on me and I was like, oh my gosh, really? And they were like, so totally, but then I said my name and that was like oh my gosh, realization, realization, faggot, wpierdol[3] and stuff.’
The heavy silence was the only answer. He shifted in his seat and shook the phone.
‘Hey, old man, you there?’
‘All right.’ Poland could almost see the guy banging his head on the table or something. ‘So what, somebody called the police and you’re all in the arrest?’
‘Totally.’
‘Fuck, from all the times they had to react when you were involved,’ muttered the one half of The Twins. ‘And where the press fits in all of this?’
Poland shrugged and then added quickly:
‘Dunno, somebody saw me and started to be all ‘transvestite, transvestite’ and before I knew that, bam and TVN24, hello everyone.’
This time his answer was a groan.
‘Ok, listen up. Sit there. Wait for me. Don’t do anything stupid. And for the fucking love of god, don’t TALK.’
Poland stuck his tongue at no one in particular and hung up.
*
He fucking couldn’t believe that!
All this time it went great. Poland had his own little place somewhere in the city centre, they were seeing each other from time to time but only when he was sure that nobody would see them together – it was ok, really. Truth be told, it’d be even better if Poland stopped his idiotic games and dressed like a man, but the little guy was stubborn. And Tusk, the fucking suck-up, had to agree that they should let Poland have a free choice and all that. The little blonde had been grinning like mad at him then.
And now they were standing in front of the crazy crowd of reporters, fuck! How did they even find out that they will be here?!
‘Is he the boy who insisted that he was a personification of Poland?’ somebody with a very strong voice shouted.
He was just about to say that no, he was just some psycho from the very very distant family or some other nonsense, when suddenly Poland made his way past him and cried, grinning madly:
‘You bet I am, kiddos!’
Oh god.
*
Polish people were fucking strange.
They hadn’t have a problem with the fact that suddenly the little crazy blonde popped out from among them and that said blonde was apparently the Poland itself. They believed it so fast that it was almost scary.
On the other hand, maybe they wouldn’t have if the Prime Minister hadn’t appeared in the middle of this whole mess, smiled happily and announced, that- yes indeed!
Kaczyński was ready to kill him at this point.
‘And why, for the fuck’s sake did you do that?!’ he foamed with rage. Poland was looking through the window and waving to some desperate reporter. Tusk sat in a chair near the desk, frowning and smiling alternately.
‘People would find out sooner or later,’ he stated at last, gazing at Poland from the corner of his eye. ‘Besides he said he didn’t mind them to know, if I recall correctly…’
Lech narrowed his eyes and moved closer to the Minister, whispering so that Poland wouldn’t hear:
‘You dickhead, he may be Poland, but he isn’t people,’ Well, he wasn’t so sure about that, but it was not the point here. ‘It won’t help you in the election at all!’
Tusk just smirked.
‘We shall see.’
*
So yes, they didn’t have a problem with Poland existence itself.
It was just Poland being… Poland.
‘For the past few days, we could hear very various opinions about the personification of our country. The biggest controversy in the matter is a fact that Poland wears women’s clothes. We invited today the professor of social psychology, who will tell us…’
‘It’s like, way funny,’ Poland was giggling, swinging on his chair and making his boss want to strangle him. ‘I wonder when the Church will say something!’
Oh my god.
Kaczyński fell on his own chair and glared at Tusk, who palled suddenly.
They were so screwed.
*
The mohair berets[4] were of course the worst.
‘Ubierzemy Polskę w spodnie!’/ ‘We will dress Poland in trousers!’ soon became the most often used sentence in Radio Maryja[5].
Poland was laughing his ass off. Kaczyński had no idea what to do with himself as Poland didn’t want to even consider the change of his wardrobe. The government was in chaos. Suddenly everyone was discussing whether men should be allowed to wear women’s clothes or not, as women apparently could wear men’s. The election was closer and closer and both Kaczyński brothers were losing their minds. Tusk were praying that his theory about little annoying blonde being people too was true, even though he wasn’t really sure how would it work and if Poland was even happy or not that everyone knew about him.
But he seemed to have fun.
And then homosexuals appeared.
*
‘You made such a mess,’ sighed Lithuania, playing with his friend’s hair. Poland was laying on the grass, his head on Liet’s lap and a content smile on his face.
‘I know. It’s like, totally funny. Y’know, women say that there isn’t like, anything wrong with skirts. I totally agree! Oh, and some stuck-up people from some university are babbling something about me being female form and all that. Y’know, Polska[6]. It’s like, I should be a girl anyway and all that. Some psychologist was all like ‘examine him!’, but the professors went all anthropomorphism, anthropomorphism and that I’m not human anyway. Hilarious, I tell you!’
‘Mhhm,’ muttered Lithuania and gazed at the clear sky. ‘Nothing good will come out of this, though. And,’ he added suddenly with disapproval, ‘you shouldn’t pull something like that just because you were bored. It’s selfish and stupid. And-‘
‘Oh c’mon, Liet!’ Poland pouted and take Lithuania’s hand in his. ‘You don’t have to be like my voice of conscience or something. And it was totally boring!’
‘Yeah, sure,’ said brunet dryly. ‘Crisis, gas war, national missile defense which is, by the way, a really important case for you, not mentioning your euro or zloty problem-‘
‘Lieeeeeet, see? I was right! Totally. Boring! I like, had to give my people some crack or they would go like, totally depressed because of all of this!’
‘And what wouldn’t be boring for you?’ sighed Lithuania. And regretted it when he saw the smirk Poland was giving him.
‘I dunno, maybe, if you’d kiss me?’
Lier sighed, rolled his eyes, shook his head, sighed again and leaned in to place a quick peck on Poland’s lips.
CLICK.
His head shot up and he could see a man with a camera. He was just about to go all panicked, when Poland quickly wrapped his hand around his neck and kissed him again, longer and sweeter and Lithuania had a hard time snapping out of it.
‘You did it on purpose!’ he screamed when they parted. Poland was giggling uncontrollably, cheeks flushed and eyes sparkling brightly. ‘Oh Liet, your face, you should-‘
‘You did it on purpose!’ repeated Lithuania, desperately trying to sound furious. Poland grinned up at him.
‘Ow come oooon. You should come out of the closet too!’
Lithuania clenched his fists.
‘You have five seconds to disappear or I will kill you.’
‘Yeah right,’ laughed Poland, but stood up and ran away, blowing him a kiss. Liet felt the sudden urge to stick his tongue after him.
He wondered briefly how Poland’s boss managed all of this.
*
After watching evening news and finding out about Poland’s little rendezvous in the Royal Baths Park, president could only stare with a blank face at his desk.
Because the answer to Lithuania’s question was - he couldn’t manage.
___
Notes:
[1] 'oh fuck' – seemed more appropriate to write it in Polish XD
[2] something like ‘baby’, used by Polish subculture called dresy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dres)
[3] eh, something like ‘beating the shit out of someone’. Again, sounded good in Polish XD
[4] The mohair berets – basically, very conservative elder people (more here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohair_berets) who listen-
[5] Radio Maryja (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radio_Maryja)
[6] In Polish language are grammatical genders and Polska (Poland) is female.